Adrian Chiles' column in the Guardian marked the end of civilisation as we know it.

'Ohh! Shall we get him to write a column! He was on the radio!'

'What will he write about?'

'Any old crap - doesn't matter. What he had for breakfast, taking his dog for a walk... He used to be on the radio! He's a celebrity!'

'Is that what people expect from us at the Guardian?'

'It is now.'