DILLY-DALLY DIALOGUES
Do Elephants Go to McDonalds for Lunch?
And other questions Rudyard Kipling never answered
You can’t just have a salad.
Why not?
There’s no protein in it.
Yes there is.
Bollocks. It’s just fibre and water and… stuff.
What about elephants?
There’s no elephant in that salad.
No, I mean what if I ate an elephant?
A whole one?
Just a bit, you know, a steak. A sirloin. An ossobuco or something.
They’re a protected species aren’t they?
Not entirely, I don’t think. The king of Spain goes round shooting them.
For lunch?
I doubt it. He’s probably fed himself stupid on swan stuffed with widgeon.
So you imagine he’d have some spare to give you?
Maybe. And if I ate that instead of my salad, would it have any protein in it?
Of course. It’s meat, isn’t it? Meat = protein.
Right. But where does it come from?
From the elephant in the dining room?
And before that? What do elephants eat?
Leaves.
So there must be protein in the leaves, i.e. salad, to put the meat on those great big hunking elephant bones, yeah?
Errmm…
Or do you think Nelly the Elephant swans off to McDonald’s in Mombasa every day for a sly quarter pounder to keep her strength up?
Is there a McDonald’s in Mombasa?
It’s a McMetaphor.
Oh.
So do you think elephants eat burgers?
Probably not.
Probably not?
OK, definitely. No, they don’t eat burgers.
So there must be protein in…